In America we celebrate diversity by treating everybody the same.

BP’s latest attempt to stop the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico (from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/01/bp-criminal-investigation_n_596626.html ):

Gigantic shears will cleave off the far end of the riser while a diamond cutter, lowered on top of the blowout preventer early Tuesday, will try to make an even cut through the other end of the tube. A clean cut from the diamond cutter, which resembles a deli slicer, is important because engineers will then lower a heavy cap on top of the sheared-off tube to seal the leak.

In other words, they are going to perform a circumcision, then put a condom on it.

They’ll need an Oil Mohel ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohel — mohel rhymes with “oil” ).  A BP engineer with a deep-sea yarmulke and a knife.

After that, they may need a fluffer ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluffer ) to get the condom on.  Maybe an Oil Goil ( “girl” )?

diamond-studded wire saw operated by a robot got stuck and was later found to be ineffective

In other words, not enough lubrication ( had they no oil? ) and they couldn’t get the condom on to prevent the spillage from spoiling the virgin area.

It looks like they are putting the head of a penis on it, including — uh — a “gusher” out of the slits in the head:

From http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/video/2010/06/03/VI2010060305275.html :

Little Orphan Annie will no longer be syndicated in newspapers:

Through more than 85 years of hardships and challenges — spanning the Great Depression, a world war, foreign cabals, corruption at home, several kidnappings and, well, being an orphan — she somehow always found a way to triumph.

In the changing media landscape, however, Little Orphan Annie has run into adversity not even she could overcome. The sun will come out tomorrow, but the tomorrow after June 13 will be the first in generations to dawn without “Annie” appearing in a daily newspaper.

Vote Vito:

Draw Little Orphan Annie A Home Day

As a result of the Comedy Central network’s self-censorship of South Park — http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/23/arts/television/23park.html and http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/26/opinion/26douthat.html — some cartoonists are organizing an “Everybody Draw Mohammed Day” — http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=113257775375783 — which I oppose.  Since I’m a cartoonist of sorts, today’s Line Item Vito is my non-entry.

Vote Vito:

Eye for Eye

What should we call the form of government where everybody is free to do whatever they want as long as they don’t hurt somebody else?

Because that’s the government I want.

It sounds great, except the point that keeps tripping me up is the definition of the word, “hurt.”  Some people (you extremists know who you are) are “hurt” when they see other people who don’t believe as they do.  So they want to make laws (or use other forms of coercion) to force the others to believe “correctly.”  Need examples? Inquisition; Holocaust; 9/11; Texas textbooks; Obamacare.

Is neglect “hurt”?  Will this new form of government allow us to neglect others in need, because such neglect is “hurting” the needy?

In the end, I really believe that the form of government is a red herring.  The real issue is how to create people whose moral and critical reasoning are sufficiently developed that the government doesn’t need to exist.  Such people will do what’s needed regardless of the form of government.

But until such people exist, I think we need a strong government to do a few things:

1. Impose freedom (see my first paragraph)

2. Protect people from hurt.

3. Help the needy.

4. Teach moral and critical thinking.

5. Get out of the way wherever possible.